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The schedule for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. shows a lighthearted bilingual production and an ad-libbed theatrical troupe. Notably absent from the advertised schedule is this week's FIFA World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively private gathering. Officials appear determined to keep out any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what promises to be an excessively long, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid celebrities will undoubtedly echo the tired platitude that "football unites the world."

A Star-Studded Line-Up

This glitzy event is due to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron star Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Together, they will host a production that will certainly have English football fans of a certain age longing for the halcyon, pomp-free days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last nearly three grueling hours, the show will include a seemingly endless agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine highlight reels, pre-vetted gags, celebrity guests, musical turns from acts with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Duty

Among those helping to conducting the ceremony? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all plucking numbered spheres under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting legends, barring an armed snatch-squad crashing the event, it's hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential spokesperson is any sort of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The suggestion appeared that high prices are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end items.

The Main Event

With 42 nations already secured a place for next summer's tournament and another six due to join, there will be a real air of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw begins. But as fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three teams their own country will play in the group stages, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the winner of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through steadfast dedication and notable deeds." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the US, speculation about the recipient are ripe, even if the clues are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a manager with a team in the midst of a five-game losing streak, providing a textbook remark likely to be revisited if/when a dismissal occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will certain performers come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an encore?"